FIC: à tuer soi-même (1/1) (R)
Feb. 22nd, 2007 04:59 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
saitaina posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
dcmk_yaoiTitle: à tuer soi-même
Author: Saitaina
Characters: Saguru Hakuba, Gin, Kaitou Kid, Conan Edogowa, Heiji Hattori, Snake
Rating: R
Warnings: Character Death, language, supernatural leanings, mental stuff, mentions of shota/underage sex
Disclaimer: Not mine, they belong to their original artist.
Summary: Five years, and no closer to the end. It's time for the performer to end the show.(Companion piece to "Prevarcation" and "Impeccability".)
Notes: Five years after the events in "Impeccability". This is again part of "Finis", one of thirty (30) fics exploring death through Saguru's eyes. (it is also un-beta'd). Thank you to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
ickaimp for use of the black hang glider and joisbishmyoga for making me think about my ideas (even if I do it anyway).
à tuer soi-même
"You have a choice. Live or die. Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. To be or not to be."
-Chuck Palahniuk
Once, when I was much, much younger then I am now. I believed in Good and Evil. I believed there were definite sides with clearly drawn lines. Once...I was Good.
But life and time changes us all, and I have a great many Dark deeds to my name, Dark twists in my soul. I'm not the person I was once upon a time, I have long since shielded myself against pain, grew cold to the hurt in the world, and in turn, grew cold entirely. I have many secrets that I have never given council for to anyone. I shielded them well in the depth of my soul. All of us do in someway, some not as dark as others, some darker still. But even with the knowledge that we all are hiding something, we all have a side of us un-shown and feared, I wonder, how can one tell if one has fallen into Darkness.
There is a lot of talk about Good and Evil. In religion they try to make it clear cut. Do this and you're good and you'll be rewarded. Do that and you're evil and shall be punished. Everyone talks about what is Good and what is Evil, what is Wrong and what is Right. I believed once in that firm line that you couldn't cross, the line you shouldn't even touch. I believed that it was there, shining and solid and REAL. But, is it? Is there really a line, or do we just lead ourselves to believe it's there? To we hope that there is some division only because who we are, what we can do, scares us too much?
The choices we have to make in our lives are ours alone. No one can force us or choose for us. I no longer believe in the ultimate good or the ultimate evil, I have seen too many sides of the same coin to believe that there is one pure choice either way. But, as with almost everything, I am not sure if I am right, or deluding myself.
I have been thinking a lot recently about heroes, legendary figures who pick up the sword to fight for what is good, what is pure, and what is right. And I have been thinking about villains, larger then life creatures who represent all that is dark, evil and un-pure in the world. The old image of Good vs Evil that is in every true fairy tale, every myth. And in the end, good always overcomes evil, because that's what makes it a myth, for reality is never so kind. I wonder what role I would play in such tales, would I be a hero, taking up my weapon to champion the cause that I believed was right, or would I be the villain, set to destroy everything that was against me?
There is no room in stories to take the middle of the road, because in such tales there is no middle. But I can't figure out what role I play, I was good and innocent once, and I was very bad too. And now...I don't know what I am. I know what some would say, especially some of those who are 'close' to me. Those like Aoko and others who have long since given up and now look at me as if I have nothing left to redeem. Those who think they know what my heart and soul look like but only see the walls and shields I have long since built around me. To them I am nothing more then a cold, heartless being who cares for nothing that is outside his existence. To them, it would be so easy for me to watch everything around me wither and die and because it's not me, not even blink.
And I can't blame them. I have long perfected the role of looking as they see me. Every day I invent (without thinking about it) a new way to hurt or push away those that care. I purposely do cruel things that I know would turn their expression into one of disgust, I find a way to turn their hearts against me so they can't get close. Once upon a time, it was an act, a role to play to keep myself safe, but I have played that role so long, I wonder if I have not lost myself to it.
I once blamed Shinichi, life, the Organization...anything and everything for my behavior. But that was probably another lie I created, something to explain the role I designed for myself, the role I could so easily play from a young age. Perhaps, it's not a role at all, but a true reflection of myself.
But if that is true, how can I find myself, in unguarded moments, caring for others, for something more then myself. If I am truly, the dark, unfeeling, twisted person I portray, how can I feel pain for another, share their sadness and their joy...work to better the world I live in, and hold dear the ideals I do?
Which is the true delusion? The good or the evil? Which is the role I created to hide behind? If there is truly not good and evil in the world, and everything is left to a choice of action...then can one be both at the same time?
--
"How long has it been since he's spoken?" Heiji asked, looking over the file in his hand towards the white clad figure in the window.
"Four years, eleven months and two weeks." Conan said, stapling another set of pages together before adding them to the folder he was working on. He closed the folder and spun his chair around, sliding it into the bottom filing cabinet, before sliding off the chair and stretching out his body, wincing as his back popped. "Why?" he asked, sliding his glasses off, wiping the lenses on his shirt.
"Just curious." Heiji said, shrugging. "I couldn't remember him speaking since we moved in here."
Conan smiled sadly, reaching out to flick Heiji's cap as he crossed the small living room of the apartment the three shared, climbing up into the window when he reached it. He studied the side of Kid's face before leaning against his shoulder, yawning as the long day caught up to him. An arm wrapped loosely around his shoulders and Conan snuggled more against the silent thief.
It had been five years since their partnership began, and every day they were growing closer to their goals. While this fact made Conan quite happy, the sacrifices that they...that Kid made, dampened it. Often he wondered if there was another path, another choice they could have made that wouldn't have destroyed something crucial in the thief, that wouldn't have changed their lives so deeply.
What was done was done, but regrets still lingered, leaving a bitter and caustic taste in the seventeen-year-olds mouth.
He buried his face against Kid's chest, inhaling deeply the spicy scent of Kid's cologne, trying to block out the thoughts of what could have beens, maybes and possibilities. His eyes slowly started to close, and he shifted again, curling as much as he could in Kid's embrace without falling out the window, sleep stealing away his consciousness bit by bit until he was sleeping softly, his breaths making Kid's tie flutter.
Heiji watched the pair, smiling softly. He set the file that he had been reading aside, laying back on the beat up couch, pulling his hat down over his eyes, still looking over the pair from under the brim. Three years ago, when Conan had shown up on his doorstep, soaking wet, carrying everything he owned in the world, he didn't imagine that he would be sharing not only a house, but his life and job with the small detective, let alone the world's most famous thief, but the partnership worked well, and although he disagreed with how the pair went about things, they did end up with results. And at least Kid kept his nighttime activities away from their little family.
Heiji had fallen asleep by the time Kid moved again, and Conan was jerked away by the loss of the arm around him and the warmth of the body he had been using for a pillow. He blinked sleepily, rubbing his eyes as he watched Kid move away. The thief climbed out of the window, and simply left, not saying a word.
Conan wondered sometimes, if Kid really realized what was going on around him, or if he acted purely on instinct. At times, it seemed as if there was something intelligent inside the body, and others, like now, it seemed as if Kid was almost robotic, moving on instinct and pre-programed plans rather then any conscious thought.
He leaned out the window, holding onto the side so he didn't fall, watching as the thief appeared below him, walking up the street. He sighed softly, sliding out of the window when Kid disappeared around the corner, yawning as he moved over to the couch and climbed onto it, snuggling against Heiji, using the other detective for a pillow instead.
Heiji's arm came up to wrap around him, and it was different then Kid's movements, less cold and instinctive then a human, simply holding him.
--
"Punctual as always," Gin said, tossing aside the cigarette, stamping it out as he raised his head to Kid who had stopped in front of him, staring at him with that damn poker face. Gin wondered, not for the first time, what thoughts were hidden by that fearless smirk. Four years ago, he had thought Kid too weak for the job, too easily broken, but now, he simply wondered if that wasn't a good thing. A broken Kid had been far more interesting then the all together thief.
He reached out, wrapping an arm around Kid's waist, pulling him closer, watching the shadows that played over the thief's face. That was another thing that had come as a surprise to him. How beautiful the thief could look, bathed in shadows. He reached up with his free hand, brushing his thumb over Kid's lips before pressing his own against them, tasting the sweet wine, chocolate and mint toothpaste that made up Kid's flavor. Three years since he had first tasted Kid's lips, and it was still a delicious experience, though a part of him did miss the coppery bite of the blood that had flavored their first kiss.
Kid's arms went up around Gin's neck, mouth opening easily to the blond's advances, empty blue eyes drifting shut as he allowed Gin to control and demand, pressing his body up against the taller man's at just the right moment to elicit a moan from his lover. Kid knew all the moves, the right steps to achieve what was desired. It was a dance he memorized three years ago and never failed in a movement after. There was no thought to it, no planning or contemplation, just simple, automatic movement.
Gin groaned as expected, pulling the thief even closer, tighter against his body, losing himself in the kiss and the silent enticement the younger man offered. He wanted to give in, wanted to indulge himself in the lithe little body and sweet mouth. It had been too long since they had been together without work distracting them and his craving for this white addiction was getting stronger each second.
But work did call tonight and he forced himself away, to let go of the body so eagerly pressed against him, of the mouth, still doing wicked little things that should be illegal. Kid blinked as Gin pulled away, before tilting his head in a curious fashion, silently questioning Gin. Gin shoved his hands into his pockets, turning away from the thief lest he be sucked back under the seductive spell those eyes weaved, searching for his cigarettes. "I have a new mark for you," he said, finally finding the partially crumpled pack of fags, pulling one out and lighting it.
Kid frowned at the news, before holding out his right hand, waiting for the folder that would tell him about his job. There were only two sorts of missions they sent him on, either a high profile theft, which was of course, his job of choice, and the ones he excelled at. Or they gave him a much darker job to perform. Kid was one of the few good assassins the organization had left. The others had been caught or killed a long time ago. Kid didn't enjoy the job, nor did he really want it, but he was dedicated to his work and part of that was stealing someone's life. And as the organization lost more and more of their hired killers, Kid ended up with more and more of the jobs.
Gin reached into his long trench coat, pulling out a folder and handing it to Kid, using his other hand to remove his cigarette from his mouth so that the smoke didn't go into Kid's face. "He's the President of the Tokyo National Trust," Gin said, tapping the picture of a balding, middle age man paper clipped to the front of the folder. "Boss wants it to look like an accident, or maybe a suicide. Jumping off a building or something."
Kid nodded, opening the folder and studying the information contained within. His eyes lingered at the age of the man's kids, before drifting over to the school portraits of the two children, feeling a slight shiver as their happy, smiling faces looked back up at them.
"He doesn't care about the kids, just do what you have to to achieve the mark's death." Gin said, watching Kid study the portraits of the two children. He had hoped, that with time, Kid would lose that sickening humanity inside him, but every year proved that some spark of it still existed. It had almost caused failure more then once, especially when children were involved. Gin used to wonder, curious when it came to Kid and children, the small detective that constantly followed the thief around in particular, but nothing had ever come of it. No relationships, no hidden off-spring, not even a scandalous relationship with the pint sized tantei-wannabe.
Kid just seemed to have something against killing children.
Kid closed the folder, giving Gin a cross look for his words before allowing his mask to slide back into place. He flicked his hand, the folder disappearing to somewhere Gin couldn't figure out, before the blond found himself wrapped in another embrace, Kid's lips hard against his, the smoke trapped in Gin's throat pouring out and into Kid's lungs.
The thief pulled away after a moment, and between one blink and the next, Gin found himself alone on the street, mind still rather muddled from the talented tounge that had just invaded his mouth.
--
Saguru watched as Kid leaned out over the edge of the building, trying to tie a wire to the side without falling down the forty floors to his death. He finished tying the wire onto the nail that was to support it, slowly crawling back over the edge of the building, before sitting down, taking the end of the sire and wrapping it around a nail on the edge, then around another further down the lip of the roof.
Once the end was secure around the third nail, he tested it, making sure it was strong and tight before standing. An accident. That was what the boss wanted. And now that the trap was set, he just had to find a way to lure the mark up to the roof and get him near the edge. The wire would do all the work for him.
He raised his head, glancing around the roof, gathering tools as he went, ignoring the sad, haunted look on the ghosts face as he watched him. He was used to that look, it had become more and more prevalent during the past five years, as had the depressed, forlorn tone colouring the voice inside his head.
Saguru had asked him once why...and Kid didn't have an answer. Not anymore.
He finished gathering his tools and slid them into the waiting bag, tossing the bag over his chest before sliding on the black hang glider, taking off at a run, launching himself into the air, trying to push the image of Saguru's face out of his mind, of the look in Conan's eye when he read the case file, of Heiji's anger when he finds it all out.
He let the wind carry him where it wanted, no clear destination in mind, simply giving himself to the fates of the sky and the currents. He thought of Gin, somewhere below him in the sparkling city, doing something that Kid would no doubt never want to know. He didn't know when their...relationship, if you could call it that, had exactly started, or when he had found the blond a perfect vessel to pour into his frustrations, anger, helplessness, desperation and loneliness. But Gin suited his purposes, a release without question, a companion without expectation, and so he continued his dalliances. Saguru never came to him in those moments, and he never questioned the ghost as to why. He was afraid of the answer.
Besides, why had always been Saguru's question. Why did Kiddo what he did, why was Kid a thief, why did he become a murder...why he continued on with the charade when there was less and less hope of succeeding.
Kid hated the question of why. He haded giving answers, hated even acknowledging the question. Why served no purpose nor held any merit. Actions could not be boiled down into a simple and understandable answer.
But still, Saguru asked. And Kid did his damnedest to find a reason.
--
Kid rolled over in the bed, groaning softly, his back, arms and legs giving a dull ache as he moved. He sat up, running a hand through his hair, giving it a shake before turning, glancing over his shoulder at the empty spot in the bed. Standing, stretching as he moved he shuffled through the bedroom, eyes scanning for his prey before moving out of the bedroom.
He could hear movement in the bathroom and tilted his head, listening for sounds that would indicate the occupant was leaving, before moving towards the small study that was generally off limits to the thief. Confident that his companion was busy, he slipped into the study, locking the door behind him to give him a delay if he was discovered.
He headed for the desk first, searching through the most obvious drawers, before staring at the locked drawer. He gave a frustrated sigh, annoyed at the simple lock. Normally such a thing would be no problem, less then a few seconds to pick, but his lock pick kit was currently resting innocently in his top hat on the nightstand next to the bed, a few rooms away. He sucked on his tounge, standing and scanning the top of the desk, grabbing pair of pen knives that were on display, obviously used as letter openers. He tested the tips of the slender blades before kneeling again, achieving his goal of getting access to what rested in the locked drawer. He frowned, peering inside, curious as to why an empty drawer was locked, and annoyed that his goal was not resting inside. He reached in, his hand searching around. His searching fingers found an un-even groove and he grinned, sliding his finger into the groove, a small button depressing.
There was a click, and the desk blotter lifted, revealing two small silver boxes. Just as Kid was around to slide his hand from the drawer and grab the treasures revealed, there was a second click and a stabbing pain in the hand still in the drawer. He slid his hand free, blinking down at the droplet of blood forming on his finger, before kneeling again, staring into the drawer, studying the needle now raising out of the groove.
His vision started to blur, wavering in and out as he struggled to focus on on the needle. He swallowed thickly, nausea swirling in his stomach, causing him to groan, taking a moment to gain control of his body before focusing on what he needed to do. He stood, weaving for a moment, vision blurring again as he reached for the silver boxes, causing him to miss the first attempt.
A hand appeared as his vision returned and he blinked at it, before looking up at Gin, swallowing hard again against those cold eyes. One of Gin's arms wrapped around Kid, the other reaching into the desk, picking up one of the silver cases. He used his thumb to open the latch holding the case shut, sliding a slender white pill from the case. He held the pill up, long enough for Kid to focus on, before slipping the pill between the thief's lips. "Swallow." he ordered and Kid did so, wondering what Gin had just fed him.
The blond released him, closing the silver case and setting it back into the space it called home. He removed the other case and opened it, staring at the red and white pills inside. "APTX 4869." he said, running a finger over one of the pills before snapping the case closed, looking at Kid. "That's what you wanted, the Organization's miracle pill." He held out the case, in a silent gesture for Kid to take it. Kid did so, curious about Gin's behavior, and quite curious as to the pill Gin fed him.
"I'm not going to ask what they are for, as I'm sure it's better not to know. Just be careful using them." Gin said, brushing his thumb over Kid's cheek before sliding away and grabbing the pair of jeans he had left in the study last night, sliding them on. "I have an appointment to go to, but I want to meet with you later, I have a surprise for you I think you might like." Gin smiled over his shoulder, leaving Kid alone in the study.
--
onan stared at the silver case that slid across his desk before looking up at Kid in curiosity. Kid simply smiled, giving a bow before heading for the window, his usual spot after a night spent with his unknown consort. Conan watched him for a moment before turning back to the case, studying it intently, as if the silver cover would answer all his questions. Curiosity got the better of him and he pulled the case closer, opening it.
"What's that?" Heiji asked, leaning over Conan's shoulder, staring down at the neat row of nine red and white pills, and test tube filled with what appeared to be water.
"The Fountain of Youth." Conan said, blinking slowly before raising his head, staring at Kid's back. He had no idea how or when or...anything, but Kid had achieved what he promised. He had produced APTX 4869. Not information, or disks or some other weak chance, but the drug itself, the key to the antidote.
He pushed his chair away from the desk, metal wheels squeaking as they slid over the plastic mat. He left the case on the desk as he crossed the room, climbing carefully into the window next to Kid, taking a deep breath before launching himself at the thief, slender arms wrapping tightly around Kid's body. "Thank you," he whispered, voice thick with emotion. "Thank you, thank you, thank you..."
A gloved hand slid up, gently brushing through Conan's hair and Conan tilted his head up, to find Kid smiling sadly down at him. Kid brushed his finger over Conan's cheek before hugging the teenager just as tightly.
Conan wondered for a moment, about the sadness he had seen in Kid's face, about the finality streaming from the hug, but pushed it aside, his thoughts already consumed by what was to come. After. After. After Ai found the cure, after he returned to his natural form, after...so many afters. He could go home, he could return to what was left of his life.
He could finally embrace Heiji as a man, and not as a child playing at lover's games.
After. It was such a beautiful word.
He was startled from his thoughts as a white card appeared before him. Blinking again, he reached out and took the card, staring at Kid's familiar signature before flipping the card over, reading the address on the back. He looked questioningly up at the thief, but Kid was gone, his white glider already halfway down the street.
"Coulda said good-bye." Heiji muttered, joining Conan in the window, taking the card from the teen as he passed over a bowl of ice cream with his other hand. He studied the address, running his finger over the card as he felt something odd about the card, as if there was more there then what he could see. "Oy, do you have any sodium carbonate?"
Conan blinked, wondering why Heiji needed the salt before nodding. He slipped from the window, heading for the small utility closet, grabbing the bottle of water softener before carrying it back out to Heiji who was now clearing off the desk. He sat in the 'visitor' chair, curling all the way up in it, eating his ice cream as he watched Heiji put a shallow pan on the desk, placing the business card in the pan, before grabbing the bottle, pouring a bit of the detergent into the pan. He started rotating the pan, allowing the liquid to smother the card, coating it thickly.
After a few seconds, he used a pair of tweezers to remove the soggy card, wiping the excess liquid off the card as he studied the pink writing across the bottom of the card. "The party begins at 8pm, along with the final show." he read, handing the card to Conan who studied it, his brow wrinkling as he tried to decipher the simple message.
Heiji tossed the paper towel into the pan, carrying it into the kitchen to rinse out. "Phenolphthalein," he called over his shoulder, before setting the pan in the sink, running water into it. "Odd choice for invisible ink."
"Hakuba." Conan said, watching the writing fade away again before setting the card on the heater to dry. "It's a reference to Hakuba Saguru."
Heiji returned, drying his hands on a dish towel, frowning slightly. "Hakuba...didn't he die a few years back? Some bizarre event in a mansion? Why would Kid be referencing him?"
"Because he's the first person Kaitou Kid loved. And the first person Kaitou Kid killed."
"Wait, wait, wait." Heiji said, stopping mid stride, staring at Conan. "Kid...Kaitou Kid, as in Kaito, our Kaito, the man I've shared my life...my home with for the past three years...that Kaito...killed Hakuba Saguru?!"
Conan nodded, sighing heavily. "Five years ago, Kaito and I came to an...arrangement. He would sacrifice himself, for our goals. It was my idea, but he was the one who put it into practice, made it a reality. The Organization was quite eager to have such an asset, but given Kid's history and strict morality rules they required an...entrance exam of sorts." Conan trailed off in talking, sliding his glasses from his face, rubbing a hand over his eyes. Heiji took a seat, pulling Conan into his lap, running his fingers through the dark strands, silently comforting Conan.
"They gave him use of the mansion, the servants, the food, and the poison. Everything he needed. All he had to do, was to pass. He invited Hakuba to dinner, created an elaborate story to lure him in, and in the end, he poisoned Hakuba's wine."
"Did you know?" Heiji asked softly, his hand sliding down to stroke Conan's back, trying to keep his emotions from his voice.
Conan shook his head, closing his eyes. "Not until after. He showed up in my bedroom, scared the life out of me. He told me, what he had done, explained it in great detail. He was...gods Heiji, he was out of control. He wouldn't stop trembling, he wouldn't stop moving, I thought, I thought he had lost it. He scared me, he just...wouldn't stop talking . It took hours for him to stop describing the scene, each time he'd finish he start back at the beginning. And then he just went silent. He sat on my bed, staring at the moon. Nothing I said would make a difference."
Heiji was familiar with the feeling, having spent three years talking with the white wall. "Then what?" he asked, sensing Conan had more to say, curious as to why he hesitated. Conan rarely hesitated, except when it came to personal matters. The last time Heiji could remember, was when Conan told him why he left Ran behind.
"Then, he told me about Hakuba, not about how he died, he had apparently wore himself out on the subject, but of how he lived. He spent a lot of time, great detail, giving the detective depth, as if to make me see him as Kaito did. It was...incredible, to listen to. Every detail, every description, the way Kaito caressed the words, the love he held in his tone. I finally got it. I understood why he was so broken, why he couldn't stop crying. He loved him. Truly, madly, Romeo and Juliet love. I...after that he fell apart. He stopped speaking, stopped...being. He just existed."
Heiji digested this, pulling Conan closer. He took a deep breath, preparing himself for what was to come, because he knew the story wasn't over yet. There was something that Conan was keeping back. Heiji had no idea what it was, or why Conan wasn't saying it, but he had a feeling he needed to know.
"What are you hiding away in that over worked mind of yours?" he asked, brushing his finger down Conan's cheek.
"I lied to you," Conan said softly, staring off to the side of the chair they sat in, memories of the night playing over his inner eye like a slightly out of focus home movie.
"You lied to me?" Heiji questioned, his curiosity peaked. It wasn't a new discovery, they had started from the start with Conan lying to him. And it didn't stop when he found out the truth, but that was just part of who his lover was. Constant in his attempt to protect people by keeping them from the truth.
Conan nodded, closing his eyes. "When I told you, that you were my first."
Heiji blinked, certainly not expecting that statement. He frowned, trying to connect it in his mind with the previous conversation, wondering if it had been an entirely random comment that Conan just now had the guts to say. But even as he thought that, something went 'click', and he got the picture. "You mean you and..he..."
Conan nodded, closing his eyes for a moment, fearing what Heiji would think, before forcing himself to face it. "I...we...it just...he was so desperate, to feel something, anything but the pain. Ran was pulling away from me, I hadn't spoken to my parents in almost a year and he...he was so...gods I could taste his tears on his lips. I could taste the wine...the poison. I don't even think he realized...I don't think...I don't even think it was me he saw. Not then."
"Have you two..." Heiji started and Conan shook his head, almost violently in his denial.
"Just that night. He avoided me, in fact, for quite a while." Conan stopped talking for a moment, listening to Heiji's heartbeat under his ear, curling into himself, shielding himself. "He always touches me," he said softly, still staring off at things Heiji couldn't see. "It hurts. It hurts to much, to have him hold me, to have him touch me. I know it's not what it should be. I want him to touch me because he cares for me, not because of what happened. He's trying to comfort me for something he did five years ago, some pain he thinks he caused me. I want...I want to take all that pain away and I still can't do it. I can't and it hurts," he whispered, his fist tightening in Heiji's shirt, burring his face against Heiji's chest. "And now I think it's too late."
--
"Your surprise," Gin said in greeting, waving his hand towards the living room.
Kid raised an eyebrow, stepping through the doorway, removing his hat as he did. He followed Gin's gesture, curious as to what the blond had brought for the surprise, faltering in his movements as he entered the living room, eyes wide.
Snake, the bane of his existence, the man who admitted to murdering his father, sat bound on the couch, glaring angrily, chewing on the edges of his mustache. Kid turned, looking curiously at Gin whom smiled in reply.
"You have done well for us, Kid. Boss figured it was time to give you a reward. Besides, he's worthless to us these days. Also said to give you this." Gin reached into his trench coat, tossing a small bundle at the thief.
Kid caught the bundle, slowly opening it, eyes widening further as a mess of glittering gold and diamond was revealed. He held up the necklace, staring at the gem slowly twisting in the air before moving over to the window, shoving back the curtains to allow moonlight to spill into the room. He held the diamond up to the light, mouth opening slowly, a deep breath escaping him as he watched a crimson glow bloom in the center.
"No idea why the boss is giving you freaking huge gems but I guess he has his reasons. Maybe you can hawk it for something, buy yourself a car, I recommend a Porsche." Gin lit his cigarette, watching his young lover stare enraptured at gem, smiling softly. Yes, he was a mean, evil, sadistic bastard who enjoyed killing people, but there was something about Kid, something about making his thief happy that was worth everything.
Snake watched Kid as well, though his eyes kept shifting, watching Gin out of the corner of his eye. Of everyone in the room, Gin was the one he had the most to worry about. Gin was the one who wouldn't hesitate to kill him. Kid was most likely just going to taunt him to boredom. He watched as Gin moved over to the thief, pulling him close, staring at the gem with the thief before pulling it away from the moonlight and out of Kid's line of sight.
The thief turned, frowning at Gin, closing his eyes as the blond placed a kiss on his neck. "You have other tasks tonight, the to stare at shiny baubles." He gestured with his head and Kid turned in Gin's arms, staring at Snake.
Snake felt as if he was the first person Kid truly looked at in his life. He shifted under that gaze, wondering if the creeping sensation along his skin was from those eyes, or if there were really ants on his skin. He swallowed against his dry through, watching as Kid slipped out of Gin's embrace. The thief moved closer, stopping about halfway across the distance from the window to the couch. He flinched, as Kid raised his hands towards his jacket lapel, relaxing only when it slid past the opening, behind which he knew was hidden that odd gun, and instead ventured up, un-snapping his cape from his shoulders, hang glider harness sliding off after the silky material.
Kid folded the cape, setting it on a table along with the harness, before reaching up towards his face. He set the monocle carefully on the cape, positioning it just so before looking at Snake, shoving his hands into his pockets. Snake wondered, what was going on, why Kid was un-masking, before blinking, truly taking in what he saw.
This was not Kuroba Toichi.
For one thing the man before him was young, too young to be the world famous magician. For another, his face was different. It was slight, but it was there, a slight curve here, a bend there that made a unique and separate person from the ghost he had been stalking. "You're...you're not..."
"His name is Kuroba Kaito," Gin said, waving the hand holding a cigarette towards kid, pouring himself a drink with his other hand. "He doesn't speak. Ever. So you really shouldn't ask him questions. It will just annoy him." He poured a second drink, offering the spare to Kid who accepted it with a grateful nod. Gin leaned against the piano, legs crossing over one another as he studied Snake, whom had started to squirm. "He would be the son, of the man you killed." Gin swirled his drink, smiling wickedly. "Isn't familial revenge grand?"
Snake glanced between the two, wondering if he had mis-judged where the danger truly lay. He still felt Gin was the bigger threat, but looking at Kid, watching him, he was starting to wonder. This wasn't the same thief he had confronted all those years ago on a cold, barren rooftop, this was a whole different creature. Cold. Empty. Whatever fire that had once fueled him was gone and had been for a while. This man knew nothing of games, tricks and laughing devilry. This was a man who had seen the darkest depths of hell and came back to suffer the sin of living with the memories. "If you're going to kill me, kill me." he said to Gin, trying to move the night along. He knew, when Gin came for him, what the end result would be. Gin only came for men like him when their time was up. Gin didn't waste his time with low rank goons unless he had to. Unless he got to spill their blood across the street.
"Ah, but it's not my show to perform," Gin said with a sorrowful tone. "Tonight is the master's performance, and I bow to his whims."
Snake laughed at that, a sharp bark, relief flooding through him. He was as good as walking home already. "Then I shall endeavor to enjoy the performance, before tomorrow's dawn."
"Are you so sure, tomorrow will dawn?" Gin asked, tilting his head slightly. "It's such a tricky thing, predicting when the next sun will rise."
"Of course I am! You're leaving me to the thief's 'tender mercies'? An enjoyable experience I'm sure. I always did wonder why you spent so much time, wrapped up in him. Perhaps I can find out tonight."
Kid gave a shudder, making a disgusted face at Snake's words, draining his drink as if it could wash the feeling of discuss and filth that invaded him as Snake's eyes roamed over him. Gin's smile fell quickly and he stared blankly at Snake, waiting until the man's humour faded under the gaze. "You really should keep quiet. Your speech only makes you look even more a fool, especially if you think anything about my thief is tender. I spend so much time 'wrapped up' in him because he is my apprentice, soaking in everything I have to offer, and I only specialize in one thing."
Snake's eyebrow rose and he looked over at Kid again before snorting. He knew the only thing Kid was 'soaking in' had nothing to do with Gin's specialties. The thief was nothing more then the blond's whore. It was an open secret in the Organization, a dirty little joke to talk about over poker. A pretty little face and tight ass got Kid his position in the group.
"I'm afraid he will never properly squirm," Gin said casually to Kid, brushing his fingers over the thief's neck as he passed to refill their glasses. "You should just move this show forward so we can find more interesting diversions."
Kid nodded, reaching out and seizing Gin's hand before the blond fully moved away, pulling him close and pressing their mouthes together, hungrily devouring the mouth over his as his hand slid up Gin's chest, enjoying the feel of the warm body under his hand before he slid it into Gin's jacket, sliding his gun from the shoulder holster.
He turned, still pressed against Gin, aiming down the sight just slightly above Snake's forehead, before squeezing down on the trigger, staring past the recoil to the man now slumped on the couch, blood sliding slowly from the wound.
He lowered his arm, closing his eyes for a moment before offering the gun back to Gin who accepted it, sliding it back into it's holster. Gin reached out to pull Kid back to his lips, only to find his arms empty and the thief putting on the clothing he had removed.
He moved up behind the younger man, pressing against his body, mouthing Kid's neck, curious as to why Kid was dressing when he was sure he had been clear with his desires that his lover do quite the opposite. Kid ignored the actions, sliding his monocle back in place before adjusting his jacket, staring at the table in front of him. He lowered his arms, a sleeping gas capsule falling into his hand as he did so. He depressed the button on the capsule, pink smoke filling the space around them. As Gin stumbled back away from him, he raised his hand, covering his mouth and nose, turning to watch as the blond fell victim to the gas especially designed against Gin's resistance to anesthetic drugs.
--
Conan checked the number on the door against the card Kid had given him, before knocking firmly, glancing behind him at Heiji who was prepared for anything that Kid might have waiting for them. The door edged open at the knock and Conan leaned in, listening for the sound of someone behind it before pushing it open even sider, getting a look inside.
He fully opened the door once he realized it had been left open for them, stepping into what appeared to be a high class apartment, glancing around the entry hall, spotting few things of interest. He gestured to the white loafers that were resting next to a pair of black dress shoes, raising an eyebrow at Heiji who shrugged and gestured they move on.
The pair walked carefully, quietly down the hall, glancing through various doorways before finding themselves at the end, walking into a wide living room. Conan opened his mouth to speak, pausing at the tap on his shoulder. He turned and followed Heiji's pointing hand to the end, where a couch rested. Laying sideways on the couch, slumped, was a body, the bullet wound to the forehead a pretty clear indication of the cause of death. Propped up against the couch, resting on the floor, also slightly slumped was a tall blond Conan was quite familiar with. A small gasp escaped him and he dashed across the room, kneeling as he checked Gin's pulse, unexpectedly relieved as he felt the slow but steady beats against his finger.
He stood, turning to take in the rest of the room, and his eyes rested on a white clad figure who was sitting in the window, surrounded by sparkling shards of clear and crimson. Kid..no...Kaito, was sitting on the sill, his legs drawn up, arms draped loosely around his knees. His cape, hang glider harness, jacket, top hat and monocle were on the floor, neatly folded and stacked. His red tie was open, draped loosely around his neck, shirt half buttoned, moonlight playing over his chest, causing the small droplets of sweat staining the skin to glitter.
Kaito shifted, turning towards them slightly, resting his cheek against his knees. His eyes were slightly dazed, face flushed, sweat standing out on his brow and upper lip. He raised a gloved hand, wiggling his fingers in greeting.
"Kaito," Conan breathed, moving hesitantly towards the window, mind screaming at him to run, to gather Kaito in his arms, but his body refused to respond. He finally made it to the window despite his body's wishes. He stumbled, falling to his knees, grabbing Kid's sleeve, staring up at the face above him.
Something was wrong. Everything in his body was screaming a warning as he stared up at Kaito, danger firing from every nerve. He reached up, brushing his hand over Kaito's cheek, feeling the sticky sweat coating his palm. Kaito turned into the touch, his eyes closing, a look of remorse crossing his face for a moment. His eyes opened, staring down at Kaito, and Conan watched as they focused in on him, sharpening before fading away again.
Kaito trembled, body lurching for a moment before stilling, the thief making an odd gasping, gagging sound. Kaito swallowed, taking a deep, steading breath before giving a small, weak smile. He shifted, his right hand raising, mouth opening and teeth grasping the gloved tip of his index finger. He pulled the glove off and reached out, gently touching the hand on his cheek, before sliding down Conan's arm. He pulled away from the touch, leaning heavily against the sill behind his back. "I just wanted to say good-bye." he whispered, voice rough, harsh from disuse. Conan could barely hear it, so soft and weak the sound, but he knew the words he heard were true.
"Goodbye? What do you mean, goodbye?"
Kaito shook his head, raising his gloved hand, holding up a long white capsule filled with nothing Conan could guess at. Kaito turned his head, smiling that ever annoying smile that was his trademark. Conan watched, waiting for an answer, waiting to hear that long missed voice again. He watched, as Kaito's eyes grew distant, unfocused. He watched, as Kaito's rattled, thick and liquidly, blood staining his lips with each breath.
He watched, as the life faded from Kaito's body, heart beating it's last beats, before everything faded away, leaving a smiling, broken body behind.
Conan closed his eyes, hands clenching in Kaito's shirt, tears stinging his eyes. He raised a hand, gently brushing it over Kaito's face, closing those brilliant eyes for a final time, his head lowering to rest against Kaito's chest. Arms wrapped around him as Heiji knelt down behind him, holding him close, even as Conan clung to Kaito.
Fin
Author: Saitaina
Characters: Saguru Hakuba, Gin, Kaitou Kid, Conan Edogowa, Heiji Hattori, Snake
Rating: R
Warnings: Character Death, language, supernatural leanings, mental stuff, mentions of shota/underage sex
Disclaimer: Not mine, they belong to their original artist.
Summary: Five years, and no closer to the end. It's time for the performer to end the show.(Companion piece to "Prevarcation" and "Impeccability".)
Notes: Five years after the events in "Impeccability". This is again part of "Finis", one of thirty (30) fics exploring death through Saguru's eyes. (it is also un-beta'd). Thank you to
ickaimp for use of the black hang glider and joisbishmyoga for making me think about my ideas (even if I do it anyway).à tuer soi-même
"You have a choice. Live or die. Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. To be or not to be."
-Chuck Palahniuk
Once, when I was much, much younger then I am now. I believed in Good and Evil. I believed there were definite sides with clearly drawn lines. Once...I was Good.
But life and time changes us all, and I have a great many Dark deeds to my name, Dark twists in my soul. I'm not the person I was once upon a time, I have long since shielded myself against pain, grew cold to the hurt in the world, and in turn, grew cold entirely. I have many secrets that I have never given council for to anyone. I shielded them well in the depth of my soul. All of us do in someway, some not as dark as others, some darker still. But even with the knowledge that we all are hiding something, we all have a side of us un-shown and feared, I wonder, how can one tell if one has fallen into Darkness.
There is a lot of talk about Good and Evil. In religion they try to make it clear cut. Do this and you're good and you'll be rewarded. Do that and you're evil and shall be punished. Everyone talks about what is Good and what is Evil, what is Wrong and what is Right. I believed once in that firm line that you couldn't cross, the line you shouldn't even touch. I believed that it was there, shining and solid and REAL. But, is it? Is there really a line, or do we just lead ourselves to believe it's there? To we hope that there is some division only because who we are, what we can do, scares us too much?
The choices we have to make in our lives are ours alone. No one can force us or choose for us. I no longer believe in the ultimate good or the ultimate evil, I have seen too many sides of the same coin to believe that there is one pure choice either way. But, as with almost everything, I am not sure if I am right, or deluding myself.
I have been thinking a lot recently about heroes, legendary figures who pick up the sword to fight for what is good, what is pure, and what is right. And I have been thinking about villains, larger then life creatures who represent all that is dark, evil and un-pure in the world. The old image of Good vs Evil that is in every true fairy tale, every myth. And in the end, good always overcomes evil, because that's what makes it a myth, for reality is never so kind. I wonder what role I would play in such tales, would I be a hero, taking up my weapon to champion the cause that I believed was right, or would I be the villain, set to destroy everything that was against me?
There is no room in stories to take the middle of the road, because in such tales there is no middle. But I can't figure out what role I play, I was good and innocent once, and I was very bad too. And now...I don't know what I am. I know what some would say, especially some of those who are 'close' to me. Those like Aoko and others who have long since given up and now look at me as if I have nothing left to redeem. Those who think they know what my heart and soul look like but only see the walls and shields I have long since built around me. To them I am nothing more then a cold, heartless being who cares for nothing that is outside his existence. To them, it would be so easy for me to watch everything around me wither and die and because it's not me, not even blink.
And I can't blame them. I have long perfected the role of looking as they see me. Every day I invent (without thinking about it) a new way to hurt or push away those that care. I purposely do cruel things that I know would turn their expression into one of disgust, I find a way to turn their hearts against me so they can't get close. Once upon a time, it was an act, a role to play to keep myself safe, but I have played that role so long, I wonder if I have not lost myself to it.
I once blamed Shinichi, life, the Organization...anything and everything for my behavior. But that was probably another lie I created, something to explain the role I designed for myself, the role I could so easily play from a young age. Perhaps, it's not a role at all, but a true reflection of myself.
But if that is true, how can I find myself, in unguarded moments, caring for others, for something more then myself. If I am truly, the dark, unfeeling, twisted person I portray, how can I feel pain for another, share their sadness and their joy...work to better the world I live in, and hold dear the ideals I do?
Which is the true delusion? The good or the evil? Which is the role I created to hide behind? If there is truly not good and evil in the world, and everything is left to a choice of action...then can one be both at the same time?
--
"How long has it been since he's spoken?" Heiji asked, looking over the file in his hand towards the white clad figure in the window.
"Four years, eleven months and two weeks." Conan said, stapling another set of pages together before adding them to the folder he was working on. He closed the folder and spun his chair around, sliding it into the bottom filing cabinet, before sliding off the chair and stretching out his body, wincing as his back popped. "Why?" he asked, sliding his glasses off, wiping the lenses on his shirt.
"Just curious." Heiji said, shrugging. "I couldn't remember him speaking since we moved in here."
Conan smiled sadly, reaching out to flick Heiji's cap as he crossed the small living room of the apartment the three shared, climbing up into the window when he reached it. He studied the side of Kid's face before leaning against his shoulder, yawning as the long day caught up to him. An arm wrapped loosely around his shoulders and Conan snuggled more against the silent thief.
It had been five years since their partnership began, and every day they were growing closer to their goals. While this fact made Conan quite happy, the sacrifices that they...that Kid made, dampened it. Often he wondered if there was another path, another choice they could have made that wouldn't have destroyed something crucial in the thief, that wouldn't have changed their lives so deeply.
What was done was done, but regrets still lingered, leaving a bitter and caustic taste in the seventeen-year-olds mouth.
He buried his face against Kid's chest, inhaling deeply the spicy scent of Kid's cologne, trying to block out the thoughts of what could have beens, maybes and possibilities. His eyes slowly started to close, and he shifted again, curling as much as he could in Kid's embrace without falling out the window, sleep stealing away his consciousness bit by bit until he was sleeping softly, his breaths making Kid's tie flutter.
Heiji watched the pair, smiling softly. He set the file that he had been reading aside, laying back on the beat up couch, pulling his hat down over his eyes, still looking over the pair from under the brim. Three years ago, when Conan had shown up on his doorstep, soaking wet, carrying everything he owned in the world, he didn't imagine that he would be sharing not only a house, but his life and job with the small detective, let alone the world's most famous thief, but the partnership worked well, and although he disagreed with how the pair went about things, they did end up with results. And at least Kid kept his nighttime activities away from their little family.
Heiji had fallen asleep by the time Kid moved again, and Conan was jerked away by the loss of the arm around him and the warmth of the body he had been using for a pillow. He blinked sleepily, rubbing his eyes as he watched Kid move away. The thief climbed out of the window, and simply left, not saying a word.
Conan wondered sometimes, if Kid really realized what was going on around him, or if he acted purely on instinct. At times, it seemed as if there was something intelligent inside the body, and others, like now, it seemed as if Kid was almost robotic, moving on instinct and pre-programed plans rather then any conscious thought.
He leaned out the window, holding onto the side so he didn't fall, watching as the thief appeared below him, walking up the street. He sighed softly, sliding out of the window when Kid disappeared around the corner, yawning as he moved over to the couch and climbed onto it, snuggling against Heiji, using the other detective for a pillow instead.
Heiji's arm came up to wrap around him, and it was different then Kid's movements, less cold and instinctive then a human, simply holding him.
--
"Punctual as always," Gin said, tossing aside the cigarette, stamping it out as he raised his head to Kid who had stopped in front of him, staring at him with that damn poker face. Gin wondered, not for the first time, what thoughts were hidden by that fearless smirk. Four years ago, he had thought Kid too weak for the job, too easily broken, but now, he simply wondered if that wasn't a good thing. A broken Kid had been far more interesting then the all together thief.
He reached out, wrapping an arm around Kid's waist, pulling him closer, watching the shadows that played over the thief's face. That was another thing that had come as a surprise to him. How beautiful the thief could look, bathed in shadows. He reached up with his free hand, brushing his thumb over Kid's lips before pressing his own against them, tasting the sweet wine, chocolate and mint toothpaste that made up Kid's flavor. Three years since he had first tasted Kid's lips, and it was still a delicious experience, though a part of him did miss the coppery bite of the blood that had flavored their first kiss.
Kid's arms went up around Gin's neck, mouth opening easily to the blond's advances, empty blue eyes drifting shut as he allowed Gin to control and demand, pressing his body up against the taller man's at just the right moment to elicit a moan from his lover. Kid knew all the moves, the right steps to achieve what was desired. It was a dance he memorized three years ago and never failed in a movement after. There was no thought to it, no planning or contemplation, just simple, automatic movement.
Gin groaned as expected, pulling the thief even closer, tighter against his body, losing himself in the kiss and the silent enticement the younger man offered. He wanted to give in, wanted to indulge himself in the lithe little body and sweet mouth. It had been too long since they had been together without work distracting them and his craving for this white addiction was getting stronger each second.
But work did call tonight and he forced himself away, to let go of the body so eagerly pressed against him, of the mouth, still doing wicked little things that should be illegal. Kid blinked as Gin pulled away, before tilting his head in a curious fashion, silently questioning Gin. Gin shoved his hands into his pockets, turning away from the thief lest he be sucked back under the seductive spell those eyes weaved, searching for his cigarettes. "I have a new mark for you," he said, finally finding the partially crumpled pack of fags, pulling one out and lighting it.
Kid frowned at the news, before holding out his right hand, waiting for the folder that would tell him about his job. There were only two sorts of missions they sent him on, either a high profile theft, which was of course, his job of choice, and the ones he excelled at. Or they gave him a much darker job to perform. Kid was one of the few good assassins the organization had left. The others had been caught or killed a long time ago. Kid didn't enjoy the job, nor did he really want it, but he was dedicated to his work and part of that was stealing someone's life. And as the organization lost more and more of their hired killers, Kid ended up with more and more of the jobs.
Gin reached into his long trench coat, pulling out a folder and handing it to Kid, using his other hand to remove his cigarette from his mouth so that the smoke didn't go into Kid's face. "He's the President of the Tokyo National Trust," Gin said, tapping the picture of a balding, middle age man paper clipped to the front of the folder. "Boss wants it to look like an accident, or maybe a suicide. Jumping off a building or something."
Kid nodded, opening the folder and studying the information contained within. His eyes lingered at the age of the man's kids, before drifting over to the school portraits of the two children, feeling a slight shiver as their happy, smiling faces looked back up at them.
"He doesn't care about the kids, just do what you have to to achieve the mark's death." Gin said, watching Kid study the portraits of the two children. He had hoped, that with time, Kid would lose that sickening humanity inside him, but every year proved that some spark of it still existed. It had almost caused failure more then once, especially when children were involved. Gin used to wonder, curious when it came to Kid and children, the small detective that constantly followed the thief around in particular, but nothing had ever come of it. No relationships, no hidden off-spring, not even a scandalous relationship with the pint sized tantei-wannabe.
Kid just seemed to have something against killing children.
Kid closed the folder, giving Gin a cross look for his words before allowing his mask to slide back into place. He flicked his hand, the folder disappearing to somewhere Gin couldn't figure out, before the blond found himself wrapped in another embrace, Kid's lips hard against his, the smoke trapped in Gin's throat pouring out and into Kid's lungs.
The thief pulled away after a moment, and between one blink and the next, Gin found himself alone on the street, mind still rather muddled from the talented tounge that had just invaded his mouth.
--
Saguru watched as Kid leaned out over the edge of the building, trying to tie a wire to the side without falling down the forty floors to his death. He finished tying the wire onto the nail that was to support it, slowly crawling back over the edge of the building, before sitting down, taking the end of the sire and wrapping it around a nail on the edge, then around another further down the lip of the roof.
Once the end was secure around the third nail, he tested it, making sure it was strong and tight before standing. An accident. That was what the boss wanted. And now that the trap was set, he just had to find a way to lure the mark up to the roof and get him near the edge. The wire would do all the work for him.
He raised his head, glancing around the roof, gathering tools as he went, ignoring the sad, haunted look on the ghosts face as he watched him. He was used to that look, it had become more and more prevalent during the past five years, as had the depressed, forlorn tone colouring the voice inside his head.
Saguru had asked him once why...and Kid didn't have an answer. Not anymore.
He finished gathering his tools and slid them into the waiting bag, tossing the bag over his chest before sliding on the black hang glider, taking off at a run, launching himself into the air, trying to push the image of Saguru's face out of his mind, of the look in Conan's eye when he read the case file, of Heiji's anger when he finds it all out.
He let the wind carry him where it wanted, no clear destination in mind, simply giving himself to the fates of the sky and the currents. He thought of Gin, somewhere below him in the sparkling city, doing something that Kid would no doubt never want to know. He didn't know when their...relationship, if you could call it that, had exactly started, or when he had found the blond a perfect vessel to pour into his frustrations, anger, helplessness, desperation and loneliness. But Gin suited his purposes, a release without question, a companion without expectation, and so he continued his dalliances. Saguru never came to him in those moments, and he never questioned the ghost as to why. He was afraid of the answer.
Besides, why had always been Saguru's question. Why did Kiddo what he did, why was Kid a thief, why did he become a murder...why he continued on with the charade when there was less and less hope of succeeding.
Kid hated the question of why. He haded giving answers, hated even acknowledging the question. Why served no purpose nor held any merit. Actions could not be boiled down into a simple and understandable answer.
But still, Saguru asked. And Kid did his damnedest to find a reason.
--
Kid rolled over in the bed, groaning softly, his back, arms and legs giving a dull ache as he moved. He sat up, running a hand through his hair, giving it a shake before turning, glancing over his shoulder at the empty spot in the bed. Standing, stretching as he moved he shuffled through the bedroom, eyes scanning for his prey before moving out of the bedroom.
He could hear movement in the bathroom and tilted his head, listening for sounds that would indicate the occupant was leaving, before moving towards the small study that was generally off limits to the thief. Confident that his companion was busy, he slipped into the study, locking the door behind him to give him a delay if he was discovered.
He headed for the desk first, searching through the most obvious drawers, before staring at the locked drawer. He gave a frustrated sigh, annoyed at the simple lock. Normally such a thing would be no problem, less then a few seconds to pick, but his lock pick kit was currently resting innocently in his top hat on the nightstand next to the bed, a few rooms away. He sucked on his tounge, standing and scanning the top of the desk, grabbing pair of pen knives that were on display, obviously used as letter openers. He tested the tips of the slender blades before kneeling again, achieving his goal of getting access to what rested in the locked drawer. He frowned, peering inside, curious as to why an empty drawer was locked, and annoyed that his goal was not resting inside. He reached in, his hand searching around. His searching fingers found an un-even groove and he grinned, sliding his finger into the groove, a small button depressing.
There was a click, and the desk blotter lifted, revealing two small silver boxes. Just as Kid was around to slide his hand from the drawer and grab the treasures revealed, there was a second click and a stabbing pain in the hand still in the drawer. He slid his hand free, blinking down at the droplet of blood forming on his finger, before kneeling again, staring into the drawer, studying the needle now raising out of the groove.
His vision started to blur, wavering in and out as he struggled to focus on on the needle. He swallowed thickly, nausea swirling in his stomach, causing him to groan, taking a moment to gain control of his body before focusing on what he needed to do. He stood, weaving for a moment, vision blurring again as he reached for the silver boxes, causing him to miss the first attempt.
A hand appeared as his vision returned and he blinked at it, before looking up at Gin, swallowing hard again against those cold eyes. One of Gin's arms wrapped around Kid, the other reaching into the desk, picking up one of the silver cases. He used his thumb to open the latch holding the case shut, sliding a slender white pill from the case. He held the pill up, long enough for Kid to focus on, before slipping the pill between the thief's lips. "Swallow." he ordered and Kid did so, wondering what Gin had just fed him.
The blond released him, closing the silver case and setting it back into the space it called home. He removed the other case and opened it, staring at the red and white pills inside. "APTX 4869." he said, running a finger over one of the pills before snapping the case closed, looking at Kid. "That's what you wanted, the Organization's miracle pill." He held out the case, in a silent gesture for Kid to take it. Kid did so, curious about Gin's behavior, and quite curious as to the pill Gin fed him.
"I'm not going to ask what they are for, as I'm sure it's better not to know. Just be careful using them." Gin said, brushing his thumb over Kid's cheek before sliding away and grabbing the pair of jeans he had left in the study last night, sliding them on. "I have an appointment to go to, but I want to meet with you later, I have a surprise for you I think you might like." Gin smiled over his shoulder, leaving Kid alone in the study.
--
onan stared at the silver case that slid across his desk before looking up at Kid in curiosity. Kid simply smiled, giving a bow before heading for the window, his usual spot after a night spent with his unknown consort. Conan watched him for a moment before turning back to the case, studying it intently, as if the silver cover would answer all his questions. Curiosity got the better of him and he pulled the case closer, opening it.
"What's that?" Heiji asked, leaning over Conan's shoulder, staring down at the neat row of nine red and white pills, and test tube filled with what appeared to be water.
"The Fountain of Youth." Conan said, blinking slowly before raising his head, staring at Kid's back. He had no idea how or when or...anything, but Kid had achieved what he promised. He had produced APTX 4869. Not information, or disks or some other weak chance, but the drug itself, the key to the antidote.
He pushed his chair away from the desk, metal wheels squeaking as they slid over the plastic mat. He left the case on the desk as he crossed the room, climbing carefully into the window next to Kid, taking a deep breath before launching himself at the thief, slender arms wrapping tightly around Kid's body. "Thank you," he whispered, voice thick with emotion. "Thank you, thank you, thank you..."
A gloved hand slid up, gently brushing through Conan's hair and Conan tilted his head up, to find Kid smiling sadly down at him. Kid brushed his finger over Conan's cheek before hugging the teenager just as tightly.
Conan wondered for a moment, about the sadness he had seen in Kid's face, about the finality streaming from the hug, but pushed it aside, his thoughts already consumed by what was to come. After. After. After Ai found the cure, after he returned to his natural form, after...so many afters. He could go home, he could return to what was left of his life.
He could finally embrace Heiji as a man, and not as a child playing at lover's games.
After. It was such a beautiful word.
He was startled from his thoughts as a white card appeared before him. Blinking again, he reached out and took the card, staring at Kid's familiar signature before flipping the card over, reading the address on the back. He looked questioningly up at the thief, but Kid was gone, his white glider already halfway down the street.
"Coulda said good-bye." Heiji muttered, joining Conan in the window, taking the card from the teen as he passed over a bowl of ice cream with his other hand. He studied the address, running his finger over the card as he felt something odd about the card, as if there was more there then what he could see. "Oy, do you have any sodium carbonate?"
Conan blinked, wondering why Heiji needed the salt before nodding. He slipped from the window, heading for the small utility closet, grabbing the bottle of water softener before carrying it back out to Heiji who was now clearing off the desk. He sat in the 'visitor' chair, curling all the way up in it, eating his ice cream as he watched Heiji put a shallow pan on the desk, placing the business card in the pan, before grabbing the bottle, pouring a bit of the detergent into the pan. He started rotating the pan, allowing the liquid to smother the card, coating it thickly.
After a few seconds, he used a pair of tweezers to remove the soggy card, wiping the excess liquid off the card as he studied the pink writing across the bottom of the card. "The party begins at 8pm, along with the final show." he read, handing the card to Conan who studied it, his brow wrinkling as he tried to decipher the simple message.
Heiji tossed the paper towel into the pan, carrying it into the kitchen to rinse out. "Phenolphthalein," he called over his shoulder, before setting the pan in the sink, running water into it. "Odd choice for invisible ink."
"Hakuba." Conan said, watching the writing fade away again before setting the card on the heater to dry. "It's a reference to Hakuba Saguru."
Heiji returned, drying his hands on a dish towel, frowning slightly. "Hakuba...didn't he die a few years back? Some bizarre event in a mansion? Why would Kid be referencing him?"
"Because he's the first person Kaitou Kid loved. And the first person Kaitou Kid killed."
"Wait, wait, wait." Heiji said, stopping mid stride, staring at Conan. "Kid...Kaitou Kid, as in Kaito, our Kaito, the man I've shared my life...my home with for the past three years...that Kaito...killed Hakuba Saguru?!"
Conan nodded, sighing heavily. "Five years ago, Kaito and I came to an...arrangement. He would sacrifice himself, for our goals. It was my idea, but he was the one who put it into practice, made it a reality. The Organization was quite eager to have such an asset, but given Kid's history and strict morality rules they required an...entrance exam of sorts." Conan trailed off in talking, sliding his glasses from his face, rubbing a hand over his eyes. Heiji took a seat, pulling Conan into his lap, running his fingers through the dark strands, silently comforting Conan.
"They gave him use of the mansion, the servants, the food, and the poison. Everything he needed. All he had to do, was to pass. He invited Hakuba to dinner, created an elaborate story to lure him in, and in the end, he poisoned Hakuba's wine."
"Did you know?" Heiji asked softly, his hand sliding down to stroke Conan's back, trying to keep his emotions from his voice.
Conan shook his head, closing his eyes. "Not until after. He showed up in my bedroom, scared the life out of me. He told me, what he had done, explained it in great detail. He was...gods Heiji, he was out of control. He wouldn't stop trembling, he wouldn't stop moving, I thought, I thought he had lost it. He scared me, he just...wouldn't stop talking . It took hours for him to stop describing the scene, each time he'd finish he start back at the beginning. And then he just went silent. He sat on my bed, staring at the moon. Nothing I said would make a difference."
Heiji was familiar with the feeling, having spent three years talking with the white wall. "Then what?" he asked, sensing Conan had more to say, curious as to why he hesitated. Conan rarely hesitated, except when it came to personal matters. The last time Heiji could remember, was when Conan told him why he left Ran behind.
"Then, he told me about Hakuba, not about how he died, he had apparently wore himself out on the subject, but of how he lived. He spent a lot of time, great detail, giving the detective depth, as if to make me see him as Kaito did. It was...incredible, to listen to. Every detail, every description, the way Kaito caressed the words, the love he held in his tone. I finally got it. I understood why he was so broken, why he couldn't stop crying. He loved him. Truly, madly, Romeo and Juliet love. I...after that he fell apart. He stopped speaking, stopped...being. He just existed."
Heiji digested this, pulling Conan closer. He took a deep breath, preparing himself for what was to come, because he knew the story wasn't over yet. There was something that Conan was keeping back. Heiji had no idea what it was, or why Conan wasn't saying it, but he had a feeling he needed to know.
"What are you hiding away in that over worked mind of yours?" he asked, brushing his finger down Conan's cheek.
"I lied to you," Conan said softly, staring off to the side of the chair they sat in, memories of the night playing over his inner eye like a slightly out of focus home movie.
"You lied to me?" Heiji questioned, his curiosity peaked. It wasn't a new discovery, they had started from the start with Conan lying to him. And it didn't stop when he found out the truth, but that was just part of who his lover was. Constant in his attempt to protect people by keeping them from the truth.
Conan nodded, closing his eyes. "When I told you, that you were my first."
Heiji blinked, certainly not expecting that statement. He frowned, trying to connect it in his mind with the previous conversation, wondering if it had been an entirely random comment that Conan just now had the guts to say. But even as he thought that, something went 'click', and he got the picture. "You mean you and..he..."
Conan nodded, closing his eyes for a moment, fearing what Heiji would think, before forcing himself to face it. "I...we...it just...he was so desperate, to feel something, anything but the pain. Ran was pulling away from me, I hadn't spoken to my parents in almost a year and he...he was so...gods I could taste his tears on his lips. I could taste the wine...the poison. I don't even think he realized...I don't think...I don't even think it was me he saw. Not then."
"Have you two..." Heiji started and Conan shook his head, almost violently in his denial.
"Just that night. He avoided me, in fact, for quite a while." Conan stopped talking for a moment, listening to Heiji's heartbeat under his ear, curling into himself, shielding himself. "He always touches me," he said softly, still staring off at things Heiji couldn't see. "It hurts. It hurts to much, to have him hold me, to have him touch me. I know it's not what it should be. I want him to touch me because he cares for me, not because of what happened. He's trying to comfort me for something he did five years ago, some pain he thinks he caused me. I want...I want to take all that pain away and I still can't do it. I can't and it hurts," he whispered, his fist tightening in Heiji's shirt, burring his face against Heiji's chest. "And now I think it's too late."
--
"Your surprise," Gin said in greeting, waving his hand towards the living room.
Kid raised an eyebrow, stepping through the doorway, removing his hat as he did. He followed Gin's gesture, curious as to what the blond had brought for the surprise, faltering in his movements as he entered the living room, eyes wide.
Snake, the bane of his existence, the man who admitted to murdering his father, sat bound on the couch, glaring angrily, chewing on the edges of his mustache. Kid turned, looking curiously at Gin whom smiled in reply.
"You have done well for us, Kid. Boss figured it was time to give you a reward. Besides, he's worthless to us these days. Also said to give you this." Gin reached into his trench coat, tossing a small bundle at the thief.
Kid caught the bundle, slowly opening it, eyes widening further as a mess of glittering gold and diamond was revealed. He held up the necklace, staring at the gem slowly twisting in the air before moving over to the window, shoving back the curtains to allow moonlight to spill into the room. He held the diamond up to the light, mouth opening slowly, a deep breath escaping him as he watched a crimson glow bloom in the center.
"No idea why the boss is giving you freaking huge gems but I guess he has his reasons. Maybe you can hawk it for something, buy yourself a car, I recommend a Porsche." Gin lit his cigarette, watching his young lover stare enraptured at gem, smiling softly. Yes, he was a mean, evil, sadistic bastard who enjoyed killing people, but there was something about Kid, something about making his thief happy that was worth everything.
Snake watched Kid as well, though his eyes kept shifting, watching Gin out of the corner of his eye. Of everyone in the room, Gin was the one he had the most to worry about. Gin was the one who wouldn't hesitate to kill him. Kid was most likely just going to taunt him to boredom. He watched as Gin moved over to the thief, pulling him close, staring at the gem with the thief before pulling it away from the moonlight and out of Kid's line of sight.
The thief turned, frowning at Gin, closing his eyes as the blond placed a kiss on his neck. "You have other tasks tonight, the to stare at shiny baubles." He gestured with his head and Kid turned in Gin's arms, staring at Snake.
Snake felt as if he was the first person Kid truly looked at in his life. He shifted under that gaze, wondering if the creeping sensation along his skin was from those eyes, or if there were really ants on his skin. He swallowed against his dry through, watching as Kid slipped out of Gin's embrace. The thief moved closer, stopping about halfway across the distance from the window to the couch. He flinched, as Kid raised his hands towards his jacket lapel, relaxing only when it slid past the opening, behind which he knew was hidden that odd gun, and instead ventured up, un-snapping his cape from his shoulders, hang glider harness sliding off after the silky material.
Kid folded the cape, setting it on a table along with the harness, before reaching up towards his face. He set the monocle carefully on the cape, positioning it just so before looking at Snake, shoving his hands into his pockets. Snake wondered, what was going on, why Kid was un-masking, before blinking, truly taking in what he saw.
This was not Kuroba Toichi.
For one thing the man before him was young, too young to be the world famous magician. For another, his face was different. It was slight, but it was there, a slight curve here, a bend there that made a unique and separate person from the ghost he had been stalking. "You're...you're not..."
"His name is Kuroba Kaito," Gin said, waving the hand holding a cigarette towards kid, pouring himself a drink with his other hand. "He doesn't speak. Ever. So you really shouldn't ask him questions. It will just annoy him." He poured a second drink, offering the spare to Kid who accepted it with a grateful nod. Gin leaned against the piano, legs crossing over one another as he studied Snake, whom had started to squirm. "He would be the son, of the man you killed." Gin swirled his drink, smiling wickedly. "Isn't familial revenge grand?"
Snake glanced between the two, wondering if he had mis-judged where the danger truly lay. He still felt Gin was the bigger threat, but looking at Kid, watching him, he was starting to wonder. This wasn't the same thief he had confronted all those years ago on a cold, barren rooftop, this was a whole different creature. Cold. Empty. Whatever fire that had once fueled him was gone and had been for a while. This man knew nothing of games, tricks and laughing devilry. This was a man who had seen the darkest depths of hell and came back to suffer the sin of living with the memories. "If you're going to kill me, kill me." he said to Gin, trying to move the night along. He knew, when Gin came for him, what the end result would be. Gin only came for men like him when their time was up. Gin didn't waste his time with low rank goons unless he had to. Unless he got to spill their blood across the street.
"Ah, but it's not my show to perform," Gin said with a sorrowful tone. "Tonight is the master's performance, and I bow to his whims."
Snake laughed at that, a sharp bark, relief flooding through him. He was as good as walking home already. "Then I shall endeavor to enjoy the performance, before tomorrow's dawn."
"Are you so sure, tomorrow will dawn?" Gin asked, tilting his head slightly. "It's such a tricky thing, predicting when the next sun will rise."
"Of course I am! You're leaving me to the thief's 'tender mercies'? An enjoyable experience I'm sure. I always did wonder why you spent so much time, wrapped up in him. Perhaps I can find out tonight."
Kid gave a shudder, making a disgusted face at Snake's words, draining his drink as if it could wash the feeling of discuss and filth that invaded him as Snake's eyes roamed over him. Gin's smile fell quickly and he stared blankly at Snake, waiting until the man's humour faded under the gaze. "You really should keep quiet. Your speech only makes you look even more a fool, especially if you think anything about my thief is tender. I spend so much time 'wrapped up' in him because he is my apprentice, soaking in everything I have to offer, and I only specialize in one thing."
Snake's eyebrow rose and he looked over at Kid again before snorting. He knew the only thing Kid was 'soaking in' had nothing to do with Gin's specialties. The thief was nothing more then the blond's whore. It was an open secret in the Organization, a dirty little joke to talk about over poker. A pretty little face and tight ass got Kid his position in the group.
"I'm afraid he will never properly squirm," Gin said casually to Kid, brushing his fingers over the thief's neck as he passed to refill their glasses. "You should just move this show forward so we can find more interesting diversions."
Kid nodded, reaching out and seizing Gin's hand before the blond fully moved away, pulling him close and pressing their mouthes together, hungrily devouring the mouth over his as his hand slid up Gin's chest, enjoying the feel of the warm body under his hand before he slid it into Gin's jacket, sliding his gun from the shoulder holster.
He turned, still pressed against Gin, aiming down the sight just slightly above Snake's forehead, before squeezing down on the trigger, staring past the recoil to the man now slumped on the couch, blood sliding slowly from the wound.
He lowered his arm, closing his eyes for a moment before offering the gun back to Gin who accepted it, sliding it back into it's holster. Gin reached out to pull Kid back to his lips, only to find his arms empty and the thief putting on the clothing he had removed.
He moved up behind the younger man, pressing against his body, mouthing Kid's neck, curious as to why Kid was dressing when he was sure he had been clear with his desires that his lover do quite the opposite. Kid ignored the actions, sliding his monocle back in place before adjusting his jacket, staring at the table in front of him. He lowered his arms, a sleeping gas capsule falling into his hand as he did so. He depressed the button on the capsule, pink smoke filling the space around them. As Gin stumbled back away from him, he raised his hand, covering his mouth and nose, turning to watch as the blond fell victim to the gas especially designed against Gin's resistance to anesthetic drugs.
--
Conan checked the number on the door against the card Kid had given him, before knocking firmly, glancing behind him at Heiji who was prepared for anything that Kid might have waiting for them. The door edged open at the knock and Conan leaned in, listening for the sound of someone behind it before pushing it open even sider, getting a look inside.
He fully opened the door once he realized it had been left open for them, stepping into what appeared to be a high class apartment, glancing around the entry hall, spotting few things of interest. He gestured to the white loafers that were resting next to a pair of black dress shoes, raising an eyebrow at Heiji who shrugged and gestured they move on.
The pair walked carefully, quietly down the hall, glancing through various doorways before finding themselves at the end, walking into a wide living room. Conan opened his mouth to speak, pausing at the tap on his shoulder. He turned and followed Heiji's pointing hand to the end, where a couch rested. Laying sideways on the couch, slumped, was a body, the bullet wound to the forehead a pretty clear indication of the cause of death. Propped up against the couch, resting on the floor, also slightly slumped was a tall blond Conan was quite familiar with. A small gasp escaped him and he dashed across the room, kneeling as he checked Gin's pulse, unexpectedly relieved as he felt the slow but steady beats against his finger.
He stood, turning to take in the rest of the room, and his eyes rested on a white clad figure who was sitting in the window, surrounded by sparkling shards of clear and crimson. Kid..no...Kaito, was sitting on the sill, his legs drawn up, arms draped loosely around his knees. His cape, hang glider harness, jacket, top hat and monocle were on the floor, neatly folded and stacked. His red tie was open, draped loosely around his neck, shirt half buttoned, moonlight playing over his chest, causing the small droplets of sweat staining the skin to glitter.
Kaito shifted, turning towards them slightly, resting his cheek against his knees. His eyes were slightly dazed, face flushed, sweat standing out on his brow and upper lip. He raised a gloved hand, wiggling his fingers in greeting.
"Kaito," Conan breathed, moving hesitantly towards the window, mind screaming at him to run, to gather Kaito in his arms, but his body refused to respond. He finally made it to the window despite his body's wishes. He stumbled, falling to his knees, grabbing Kid's sleeve, staring up at the face above him.
Something was wrong. Everything in his body was screaming a warning as he stared up at Kaito, danger firing from every nerve. He reached up, brushing his hand over Kaito's cheek, feeling the sticky sweat coating his palm. Kaito turned into the touch, his eyes closing, a look of remorse crossing his face for a moment. His eyes opened, staring down at Kaito, and Conan watched as they focused in on him, sharpening before fading away again.
Kaito trembled, body lurching for a moment before stilling, the thief making an odd gasping, gagging sound. Kaito swallowed, taking a deep, steading breath before giving a small, weak smile. He shifted, his right hand raising, mouth opening and teeth grasping the gloved tip of his index finger. He pulled the glove off and reached out, gently touching the hand on his cheek, before sliding down Conan's arm. He pulled away from the touch, leaning heavily against the sill behind his back. "I just wanted to say good-bye." he whispered, voice rough, harsh from disuse. Conan could barely hear it, so soft and weak the sound, but he knew the words he heard were true.
"Goodbye? What do you mean, goodbye?"
Kaito shook his head, raising his gloved hand, holding up a long white capsule filled with nothing Conan could guess at. Kaito turned his head, smiling that ever annoying smile that was his trademark. Conan watched, waiting for an answer, waiting to hear that long missed voice again. He watched, as Kaito's eyes grew distant, unfocused. He watched, as Kaito's rattled, thick and liquidly, blood staining his lips with each breath.
He watched, as the life faded from Kaito's body, heart beating it's last beats, before everything faded away, leaving a smiling, broken body behind.
Conan closed his eyes, hands clenching in Kaito's shirt, tears stinging his eyes. He raised a hand, gently brushing it over Kaito's face, closing those brilliant eyes for a final time, his head lowering to rest against Kaito's chest. Arms wrapped around him as Heiji knelt down behind him, holding him close, even as Conan clung to Kaito.
Fin
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2007-02-23 03:46 am (UTC)its soo sad...
it was beautiful.
except for the mentions of the conan sex...and the gin sex.
but it was so beautiful!
Squee worthy!
no subject
Date: 2007-02-23 03:55 am (UTC)Gin was the only way I could think of getting the drug from him, without Kid pickpocketing him and promptly getting shot. *grins*
Now if I could just get an idea for the next death fic since this set is over... *drums fingers* Come on muses, any time now...
no subject
Date: 2007-02-23 04:05 am (UTC)but not kid.
kid has killed kaito off so he can be with hakuba...or something like that...im still working it out.
and writing it.
XD
how about a death were they both die.
together.
like, hakuba slips on the a roof and kid jumps after, and then they die together.
...
its bad but im just throwing ideas out there.
good luck!
no subject
Date: 2007-02-23 04:08 am (UTC)*strokes chin* Hmm, I might be able to work this, I just have to figure out the catalyst since falling off buildings (or slamming into them) has been used too much recently.
Might even fit in with my 'stupid death' idea... *plots*
Thank you kindly! Honestly, dunno what I would do without you. You gave me the idea for uping the sex factor in "Magician's Waltz" which resulted in the harem boy scene and now you've given me this idea!
no subject
Date: 2007-02-23 04:10 am (UTC)I FEEL AWESOME NOW!
IM GLAD TO HELP!!!
I CANT WAIT FOR BOTH!
ill finish my up soon.
like...a month...XD
no subject
Date: 2007-02-23 04:14 am (UTC)And I eagerly await yours as well. I keep not reviewing them because I end up with nothing to say at the end, all of your works have been quite enjoyable to read though, I always look at them when I come across them.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-23 04:19 am (UTC)i read the end of ten...i think...it was when hakuba wants to go fast but then kaito wakes up?
i was like OMG!
and thats what you left me with...i cry in wait.
XD
no subject
Date: 2007-02-23 04:23 am (UTC)And Kaito waking up was a reader request that happened to fit in, since the pair isn't ready to go all the way yet (we're not even half way into the story yet as far as I can tell).
I promise, the next chapter makes up for the wait, or at least I hope it does. There's huge things going on in the next chapter (and the one after it).
no subject
Date: 2007-02-23 04:27 am (UTC)but in the earlier chapter, hakuba said 'he wants slow'
so now he doesnt.
that dance thing...that was hot...ill just say it right now.XD
no subject
Date: 2007-02-23 04:31 am (UTC)When Kid is being a brat and dancing around in skimpy outfits, playing to Saguru's hormones, Saguru forgets slow and just wants Kid.
So...yeah. It's all Kid's fault Saguru changed his mind...and Kid planned on that (plus he got to wear a skimpy outfit and dance around on stage, with the gem of the heist, win win for him).
I'm glad you thought it was hot, I was unsure how well I portrayed what I wanted, but it seems to have come off well. I watched WAY too many dancers on youtube while writing that.